me, myself and anxiety

‘Another day, another anxiety melt down’ is what I tell myself. why cant I just have one day where my mind isn’t going into overdrive and I can escape the worries my brain creates.
For as long as I can remember I have suffered from anxiety, catastrophizing something bad would happen or trying to protect myself, as a child someone scratched me with a compass, next thing I knew my brain told me I had caught a blood disease. As i got older my anxiety continued, girls nights out consisted of me hovering over the toilet seats or making a barrier of toilet roll around the seat in the fear of catching any disease the toilet may have left for me. And germs haven’t been the only thing my mind has gone into overdrive about ; flying, driving on the motorway, pregnancy, etc. etc., you name it my brain has created a storm about it!
Being a mum brings about another level anxiety, because it’s not just one person to worry about it is two! having a child is one big mental change in general and being a mum is the best job in the world, however struggling with anxiety and having a child is challenging at times, yet a good distraction.
See anyone can tell you to stop worrying, but when you hear it its just not that easy, family and friends can begin to tire of conversation making you feel more alone, don’t get me wrong my family have been very supportive but I can tell sometimes there thinking ‘ not this again’ and to be fair after the millionth time of seeking reassurance I understand , infact I am tired of listening to my own self sometimes.
see anxiety is cruel, it makes you fear things and think the worst, it isolates you from doing anything in life through the fear that something will happen, but the truth is are you really living your life if your spending the majority of it worrying? and why shouldn’t we take these risks anyway? anxiety needs to take a long holiday away and someday I hope in time, the young girl I was with her carefree ways will return again.

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Yester year… Heres to the generation who socialized in person, who lived outside the online world…. heres to grandparents!!!

kims blog

When I have conversations with family members particularly my Grand parents and Nanna I am filled with so many stories of Yester year I can’t help but think if there was a time machine I would love to take a trip and experience the events they experienced. Society has come a long way and sometimes I feel that technology is taking over. There are many times we can sit for ridiculous amounts of times searching the web. messaging a friend or watching television. Don’t get me wrong, technology is fascinating, but is it taking over???.  don’t we often wonder what we could be doing with all this time? and how much effort we could be putting it into something exciting or new? Here I am writing my blog going against what I am saying but maybe if we all took a small break out and looked for a hobby we could change our lives socially and create some amazing adventures and make new friends for life.

When I hear about my grandparents going to dances and socialising with friends who they knew all their lives it fills me with pride, now it seems with having such busy lives its hard to fit the time in or feel like taking part after a long day at work. I feel that people don’t want to socialise anymore. My grandma would tell me about conversations she would have on the bus about  who she met out and about, she would always have something exciting to tell me. If I was to take a bus ride, which I have recently, people of my age would be busy on their phones or listening to their music, but if they had the choice would they speak to me? I don’t know? Back in yester year I suppose there would have been no choice.Don’t get me wrong I am in my 20’s and I an have many a conversation with my older peers particularly retirement age. but I cannot remember talking to someone my own age in a new social situation, maybe this is why I feel I get on sociably better with people much older than me than my own age band.

Even In the supermarket we have the option to use self service tills, were we don’t have to talk to anyone and  keep ourself to ourselves. Yes I understand people may be in a rush, shy, not like socializing but how are we ever going to improve social skills?  What happened to being friendly and sociable. As a mum when me and my daughter visit the supermarkets we talk to the checkout worker, practice our manners and as a role model I show her how to be respectful to others. She will say thank you and bye bye, This feels me with pride and makes me think what would happen if it was all self serve tills? I appreciate the need to cut costs by using them but some things are more important.

So as technology takes over more and more, humans are replaced by machines, remember yester year and the generation who spent socialising in the real world not online, and your grandparents who got to know the world by exploring it… I know I will be trying my best…. will you?

Me, myself and Anxiety

For as long as i can remember I’ve suffered anxiety, have i really spoken about it? no not really, but last night whilst thinking about the world i thought perhaps writing it down would make me feel differently about it all, maybe it may help?

As a person i am kind and would help anyone in need but i feel anxious about simple things that perhaps wouldn’t bother anybody else, I guess it all started at primary school after i was really bad at math, my math teacher played the piano i remember shaking in the hall thinking about the math lesson to come and how scared i would be about getting a question wrong and being shouted at (she was very strict), today i avoid conflict or drama because that feeling i had at school makes me think i will have to feel it again. I worry about something bad happening and fear things like flying, my health and families, what people think about me especially after a drunken night out. I feel that little events as a child affects the way you feel as you grow up.

Since having my daughter at first my anxiety was bad for worrying about her but now she’s bigger i have learned to relax and i feel that she helps me stop  feeling anxious because i am so busy entertaining her and enjoying spending all are time together. don’t get me wrong i worry about things happening but iv’e started thinking live for today and enjoy every moment. I wont let anxiety wear me down anymore the world is your oyster! i will be back at university in September and have passed my  maths this summer finally! goodbye anxiety it’s time to start being me again!! if i can help one person posting this iv’e done my good deed for oday 🙂anxietygirl

She lost her teddy….. Bad mum alert!!

so nanny aka my mother bought my daughter an owl teddy the other week, i have to admit it was very cute!! Francesca my daughter never put it down calling it ‘owl’ it went out of the house, strapped in the car, to the shops and of course at bed time it had a sleep over. you could say she was quite besotted by it.

This weekend though panick set it, Owl was gone, lost!! We had spent the day shopping in town, looking for a dress for an upcoming wedding and christening. We decided not to use the pram so we had carried her around and allowed her to walk. Owl was with her and so was her blanket. Mums as you know we have all the bags including our childs so i had enough to keep my eye on,  I only realised owl was gone on the way back to the car and told myself it would be in the car…. it wasn’t. The shops were closed so i thought maybe it mnay be at home and i had imagined taking owl to town.

After searching for Owl, he was no where to be found. Panick set in so i decided to search the internet for a replacement, after several hours i couldn’t find anything, i was shocked i thought i would do straight away!! i’m sure in the label it said ‘fluffy’ or ‘furry’ friends but as nanny got it from the charity shop i could’t find which shop it originally came from.

Next steps were to ring the shops the following day, after ringing expensive numbers we had no findings of owl. So the day after myself and partner scoured the shops to find owl and to look around the roads we had been on,  there was no owl. As a mum i felt really bad about it, i know its just a teddy but she really liked it and got attached, Francesca asked about it once and we changed the subject. i thought i would easily find it online but i couldn’t.

We bought Francesca a new teddy In the end, it looks a bit like owl with the pink glitter on its eyes and colours mixed with blue, but its a penguin, its called ‘penguin’ but some days ‘penguin owl’ safe to say i think she’s over it….. she still doesn’t know where its gone.

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This was ‘owl’ who we lost, he’s like this but blue with yellow on its ears, its not a rucksack, just a teddy.
Replacement teddy 'penguin'
Replacement teddy ‘penguin’

I have added some pictures if you know where they sell the owl!! that would be amazing.

A day out with the people i love the most on a budget

Well today has been an experience and one I enjoyed, we all love a family day out with our precious ones to forget about work and enjoy quality time, and even more so if it hardly costs you anything.

A few weeks ago whilst on social media a friend posted about a £3.50 cinema in Lytham St Annes, at first i thought it was some offer or even a joke. But after checking for myself i could hardly believe it. each person pays £3.50 for all films even new releases its name ‘island cinema’

we woke this morning and i suddenly remembered about the amazing £3.50 cinema, so we rang at 11.00 am and pre booked which cost us an extra 40p.  Our choice was the ‘Minions’ film. As any mum or dad will certainly know the children are crazy on these little yellow fellas and my daughter is besoted with the films, so it was a perfect film to choose.

Off we drove to Lytham a 20 minute drive from our home and we parked in the cinema car park which cost us £3.00 for 5 hours and we entered to enjoy the film, the film didn’t disappoint and neither did the cinema, we bought two drinks for a £1.00 each and a packet of malteasers again £1.00. The cinema was a small version of a big cinema but for £3.50 you wouldn’t expect more, it was lovely and had a smaller audience which made it feel more personal for families and relaxed.

After the show finished we had a walk down the promenade were they had kites flying with different sea creatures, on the beach my little girl loved watching them blow in the wind even if it  was rainy and windy. We went off to the arcade down the road and decided to warm up we both had a 35p drink from the kenco machine so the coffee and hot chocolate was delicious even though the shop near by was selling coffees for a £1.00. i think getting such a deal at the cinema made us think about tightening our purse strings as it was fun, we kept joking at how much we had spent do far for the day and a sense of accomplishment was felt.

Myself and my partner don’t budget, we don’t smoke or drink a lot,but we do treat ourselves and daughter sensibly when we can, so today gave me a new frame of mind. We had a great time around the arcades playing on the ticket machines and trying to win on the grabbers and coin machines, my daughter certainly enjoyed the minion penny machine, we had a great day and in total we spent £22.20 who says you can’t have fun on a budget? today’s experience has definitely made me think about looking around for good offers and sharing these amazing places with others. More importantly today has given us memories to treasure forever and that to us is priceless.

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Me and daddy bopping the creatures to win tickets

If you have any great places you want to share with everyone please leave a comment. Thanks 🙂 xxxx

Me and mummy trying to win some tickets
Me and mummy trying to win some tickets
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the rainy weather with the sea creature kites